Sunday 20 March 2011

Show Me The Voice Blogfest (now with revised version)



So, it's time for another Blogfest! I almost feel like it's been weeks since my last one. Haha. I guess that little two-day break was kind of nice. Anyway...today's Blogfest is the Show Me Your Voice Blogfest, hosted by Brenda Drake and judged by agent Natalie Fischer! Awesome, no?

I really struggled with which opening to use, and then in the end I decided to use one for my first ever NaNo novel, which novel is a laughable (in a good way, I think. :D) mess and which I never really expected to be editing, but have just done a bit of editing on today for this blogfest! Wow! Hehe.

Anyway...this story is set in "the future", in Australia, but an Australia where not much has changed. Just place names, and state lines, and things like that. And the mysterious "whales". I've got a host of completely wacky characters in this. I think this novel is the epitome of a Pantser's dream. I sat down without even knowing my character's name, or what the hell she was going to be getting up to (didn't even know she was a she until I had written my first sentence). It was probably the most liberating experience of my life, writing this novel. Because I honestly rarely had any clue what was coming next, even as I wrote each sentence. BUT, as you can imagine, this is a good way of making a total mess of a novel. Still, it is finished and I think it's kind of funny in parts. I think the beginning is a bit ordinary, but maybe it can get better.

Revised version:

One ordinary Tuesday in 2016, Anjilian Craig walked down her garden path for the very last time. Looking back later, she gave herself a fair bit of credit, figuring she must have known somehow that her life was about to change. Surely she’d sensed that something unexpected was about to happen.

Leaving home that morning, Anjilian already knew she was an odd girl. But she felt herself getting odder by the minute. Some oddities were permanent—her magenta-coloured mouth, for instance, which she’d had tattooed a couple of years back. Other things were more transient, like her carrot-coloured hair—she was a natural brunette. But the oddities of her mind were the most notable of all. And perhaps they explain why, instead of leaving the train at Boris Street Station and heading for the flower shop where she worked, Anjilian kept her seat and rode on. Right to the end of the line.

As if that weren’t unexpected enough, next there was the airport, and the purchase of a plane ticket. As the transaction went through, Anjilian’s index finger began to vibrate—her padphone buzzing with an incoming call. It was her boss at the flower shop.
I’ll call you later, she sent to the woman with psychic mindwaves, then shut her phone off.

An hour and a half later, she boarded the plane, wondering what the hell she was doing there. But then she decided unpredictability was half of life’s fun.

On the plane, she sat with a weirdo and a fat man.


And without further ado, here it is, my first 250 (less, actually) words.

On Tuesday, March 27th, 2016, Anjilian Craig left her home at 8:30 in the morning, never to return. At the time she had no clue that walking down the garden path would be a thing of the past. But looking back later, she gave herself more credit, figuring she must somehow have sensed things about to change—that her life would never be the same. She'd felt restless for weeks, and it had been inevitable that something would happen.

When she left home that morning, Anjilian was an odd girl. She'd been odd for a fair few days by then, but she felt herself getting odder by the hour. Some oddities were permanent—her tattooed mouth, for example; it was a rich magenta colour. Other things she could easily have changed, like her dyed carrot-coloured hair—she was a natural brunette. But the oddities of her mind were the most fundamental to her character. And perhaps they explain why, instead of getting off the train at Boris Street Station and heading for the flower shop where she worked, Anjilian instead kept her seat and rode the rest of the line.

That particular railway line ends at the airport, and there Anjilian bought herself a plane ticket. She was heading for another state, and even as the transaction went through, she got the distinct feeling the move would be permanent.

Our story only really begins on the plane, where Anjilian sat with the weirdo and the fat man.



P.S. Followers, don't forget to enter my 200 followers contest! There are some cool prizes if I do say so. :D

46 comments:

  1. I love the imagery- the tattoed mouth and carrot colored hair. I could really picture Anjilian in my mind.

    The last line is great!

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  2. I love your descriptions, very vivid, but I didn't get the last part since you hadn't mentioned the "weirdo" (well, except you described Anjilian as that) and the fat man.

    Also, by starting the story with the exact date and time it's taking place keeps the reader distant from the story, and I don't think you want this right at the beginning.

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  3. I didn't mind the date if it has some significance to the story later on. If not, lose it. Otherwise, I really liked it. I'm looking for things to, well, contribute on a greater scale, but can't find any. So good job.

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  4. I like this - I can see Anjilian quite clearly. In the second paragraph I wouldn't bother telling us she is an odd girl. Just show us - which you do...

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  5. Ok, so normally I would say that starting out with a first sentence like this is cliche, but in this case it isn't cliche. It's like the set up for a punch line almost. If the story went on in a cliche sort of dribble, it would BE cliche, but this story is anything but normal right from the off!

    The second sentence to me is needless. I would cut 'but' from the third sentence and just make that sentence number two.

    The rest of it is brilliant imo, and I would definitely keep reading!

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  6. Wow, thanks for the great feedback everyone! :D I've got lots to go on already. I will return the favour asap!

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  7. I agree with A. Grey about the second sentence. And- why had she only been odd for a few days? I'm sure reading further might answer that question, but it kind of had me scratching my head. Other than that, it's intriguing and I love how it left off. I want to read more about the weirdo and the fat man!

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  8. Interesting start! It took me a bit to get into the distant third person POV, but I think it could work well for the story. My only problem so far is that I don't get much of a sense of Anjilian's character. I've been told some interesting things about her, but I haven't seen her character come out other than in her odd looks and decision to randomly get on a plane. Of course, it is only the first 250 words, and I am interested in her motivation for getting on the plane. Nice job!

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  9. I agree with Shallee about the character. And I agree with Jan that you don't have to tell us she's odd since you show us.

    I wonder if you shouldn't start on the plane if that's where her story really begins. You can bring in her oddness on the plane or later.

    I'm impressed with how much of her character comes out so early on when you pantsed this for NaNo!

    Good luck with the contest!
    Vicki

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  10. I think you verge on telling just a hair, but you do it so charmingly that I don't mind! It works for you. Love this!

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  11. Interesting story~ I'd read on to see what's going to happen to this girl. Love the little details, like the mouth tattoo!

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  12. this definitely has a distinct voice. Even with the removed POV, it feels like it's coming from the main character. It stands out and has a quality to it that you'll want to make sure you don't lose if you continue editing. It feels...real.

    Great job ^_^

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  13. I agree with A. Grey--the second sentence could be lost altogether and the third sentence reworded, such as "Looking back later, she figured must somehow have sensed things about to change—that her life would never be the same."

    Starting with the date, in this case, is not only OK but I think necessary, since this is slightly futuristic. Letting us know it's set into the future keeps us from being disconcerted when things aren't in sync with 2011.

    In the third paragraph, you veer off the fabulous showing and begin tell us things. I call this The Curse of Giving Character Descriptions; the tendency is to tell the reader what we want them to see rather than showing them things about the character. Could Anjilian pause by a window and ponder her carrot-colored hair and rich magenta lips? And from there ponder how the oddities go deeper than the skin?

    In the last paragraph, you slip into universal omniscient. This is great if you're going to continue it throughout the story, but bad if you're not going to. (An example of universal omniscient point of view is Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, where the narrator is not connected with--does not participate in--the story).

    And all this you can take or toss in the bin--critiquing is such a subjective thing. :-)

    Overall, this is a good start to what could be an intriguing story. Anjilian seems an offbeat and quirky heroine with a good voice, which is a plus (at least for me).

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  14. This was really interesting. It reminded me a lot of the Sally Lockheart mysteries in the way it starts. However, I felt more confused than pulled in by the first paragraph. I do wonder what will happen, but I'm not attached enough at that moment to care.

    I like how different the character is. That can be really fun, but I feel like I am told the oddities instead of seeing them, and I don't really have a sense of who the character is. Then again, this is just the first few paragraphs, so not a big deal. But I liked it a lot!

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  15. Oh I like this. The voice reminds me of Douglas Adams, and his narrative style, but I happen to love that so no complaints there. I do have to admit I'm having a little trouble picturing the tattooed mouth, not sure if thats the best way to describe what you're going for there.

    I don't really have much to critique here, because the only problem with this style (and its not necessarily a problem) is that it necessitates a slowburn and doles out information slowly and in a roundabout way, as tangents and anecdotes are built into the voice. But so far I like what you're doing here, good job!

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  16. I also don't think you need the time and date. But great voice in this! It kind of reminds me of Diana Wynne Jones' voice, if you've ever read Howl's Moving Castle. Very matter-of-fact in the face of strange situations. Nice job!

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  17. Trisha: Sometimes these over-done openings have a way of working out. In this story I think it will be that way.

    I am not sure I understood why she is only odd lately? Someone with a tatooed mouth and bright red hair must have been odd for a while.

    Regardless, of what small tweeks you need to make on this, I enjoyed this opening. Good writing :)

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  18. Hi Trisha! Ha ha you were the first entry in this blogfest, I was the last. I hope I get one or two people move to the bottom of the list to read mine...lol.

    All has been said for your entry. I like the start and I like the voice. It's different and very catchy yet not cliched. You have a story here, why don't you work hard on it and get it out there?

    Denise<3

    Show Me The Voice Blogfest Contest

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  19. WAhhh, so much excellent advice! I totally need to return the favour now :D

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  20. I don't mind the time and date. I really like the narrative here, and I love the description of Anjilian. You mixed some present/past verb tenses in there and I'm not sure if that was deliberate or not, but they sort of threw me out of the story.

    I absolutely love that last line but I have a feeling some people might tell you, if that's where the story starts, then start THERE. I'm not sure though myself. I do enjoy this beginning, but that line is intriguing enough to be a pretty compelling first line instead.

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  21. I definitely want to read more! You're building a great MC so far; she's that girl that if was walking done the street, you would stop and look. She's the one you'd notice. I really like this. I don't love the last line, sadly. It seems too much like it fits in a different story. Maybe describe the weird guy differently, or the fat man. The two don't fit together well enough for me. Feel free to disregard anything I say, it's advice you can use or get rid of. Well, good job and keep writing!

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  22. I like this but I can't help but think that since the story starts on the plane that you might want to begin the story there, immediately with the plane scene. Then you could weave in the details about Anjilian, her looks, her feeling restless, and the rest. Just an idea.

    I love your writing style!

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  23. Interesting premise and narration style. I would definitely want to read more about Anjilian and why she is destined to this "restless" feeling. Also, I kind of like the time and date stamp. . .gives me a sense of building events.

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  24. Oh sorry for the double post, but I forgot the URL for my 250 words. It's http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com

    Keep writing and good work!

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  25. I must admit as I was revising this I did consider the possibility of starting things off on the plane. So maybe I'll do that. I already have an idea of how I can work the description of Anjilian into a conversation with the weirdo and fat man. Honestly I really like the part after she meets those two, because they're both pretty ridiculous.

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  26. I'm intrigued. I also thought you might be better off starting on the plane (if that's where the story really begins), but the beginning certainly caught my attention. I want to know why she had only been odd for a couple of days.

    PS thanks for catching the typo on mine. I was rushing to make the new edits before my daughter's birthday party. Darn early guests. ;)

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  27. Okay, I can usually find something to nitpick about (and there is one small thing). But first--wow! You conveyed so much character, voice, and intrigue in the first 250 words! I so want to keep reading this.
    My one comment: I was distracted and pulled out of my experience when you wrote " our story really only begins on the plane". It took me right out of where you placed me. Although, I do like her on the plane with the weirdo and the fat man. Just please, please, please, find a way to keep me in the story because when I was reading yours, I forgot I was reading.

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  28. One final thing...I don't think you should start with the plane.
    I just read through your other comments. But for me, I believe the backstory works so well the way it is because you include so much within it.

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  29. Oh, this is really interesting. Love the voice. I'm definitely intrigued. As for the plane part, I'm on the fence. I do like the way you have it now... You get a better idea with the backstory first. I'd read on! Great job ;o)

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  30. Thanks Susan and Erica - I guess it's not too much of an info dump/back story as it is, so that makes it more acceptable.

    I'll work on revisions tonight when I'm at home :D

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  31. Speaking of blogfests and prizes, you won one of the prizes from mine! Stop by to claim your prize.

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  32. Intriguing character, deft style and tone, perhaps it could start straightaway with the encounter with the fat man?

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  33. Thanks eeleenlee! :D

    and Alison, wooo! I emailed you :D

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  34. Hello!
    Sorry coming in late here...I would drop the bit where you say she's "odd" as it's better to show than tell (and since further down you actually show us how she's odd).

    Really thought this was quite interesting!

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  35. I kind of love this. Personally, I especially like the last line - where she sits between the weirdo and the fat man. I like the chatty voice of an omniscient narrator. I don't like, myself, starting off with the day and time she leaves, never to return, because it made me think this was a crime story. And then I was like, Oh, okay, more Douglas Adams than Ann Rice - but I think you might want to eliminate that. Just a suggestion. :) Oh, and I also like the vivid description we get of your MC - it was nice being able to visualize her so well off the bat.

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  36. I loved the time and the date. I felt those really help set the pace. Although I can see how the second sentences might be considered unnecessary, I liked it because it showed me immediately that this was not a planned departure.

    I began to wonder about the many possibilities that would keep her from ever walking the path again. Was it her choice? Was she abducted? Was there an accident? To her or to the house? Those questions aren't answered until the end of the 2nd paragraph, so I kept wondering as I read the description of Anjilian. They kept me engaged.

    The "she had been odd for days" amused me, because I tend to think of people as odd or not, and not that a few days ago she was odd but a month ago she was perfectly normal. The tattooed lips confused me, though, because I wasn't expecting a permanent oddity (which sounded like it had come about in the last few days) to be something that, I assume, she had done to herself. I expected the new-found oddities to be beyond her control (and maybe the lips are).

    The "Out story only really begins" was a bit strange. Why did we just read the last few paragraphs if they weren't a part of the story? It's almost like you said "I just wasted your time with all that, so now we are really starting here."

    And you didn't waste my time with that beginning. I really enjoyed it!

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  37. My vote is against the date beginning. I love the emerging oddness. I firmly believe this needs to be written in-scene, not as a summary. I also wanted to know how much of what she's doing is a conscious decision. Is she saying to herself, "I think I'm going to get on a plane -- jeez, what's wrong with me?" or is she saying, "My legs are moving on their own and I'm in a daze and can't control them."

    If I were you, I would have her on the plane thinking to herself, "What am I doing here?" and then you can do a flashback to her emerging oddness as her way of explaining it to herself. Then a fat man can start talking to her, and you can reveal more back story and more about her character through the conversation.

    Congrats on winning Nano. I love this beginning and fervently hope you finish this book.

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  38. I love your descriptions and I like the oddness going on. I felt detached, however. I think I'd like this better from 1st person POV to get me into the immediacy of the story. This felt very narrative, more tell than show. Just a thought. Awesome writing, though!

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  39. Man, how many of us haven't wanted to do exactly that from time to time! Love the feel and am very curious where she ended up going.

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  40. I agree with the sort of omni, POV. It refelcts the same type used in other novels, but I think you could get the point across using a closer view, even a Third close or as they said first. I am just not sure how the character feels about what is going on. I also think that showing us things were cahing...HOw? What does she feel or see that amkes her believe that?..Might be better. I think you have a very interesing start and the first sentece pulled me for sure : )

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  41. Great voice! I normally hate the sort of spoiler-y writing that gives away what's coming, instead of letting it unfold, like "Little did he know . . "

    But so far, it's working for you, sort of a Lemony Snicket feel.

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  42. I like her name, and that last line. I also liked how carefree the voice is.

    ......dhole

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  43. Thank you everyone :) I am working on a revision at last. ;) It's going to be hard to pick and choose which advice to take, as it all made sense in its own way :D

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  44. Great piece. I do like the idea of starting it on the plane. :)

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  45. I'm sorry it took me so long to get over here! I really like the changes you made in the revision. It flows more smoothly. You have some great little clues placed throughout that is giving me a feel for your world and that's so nice. I'm curious to see where she's going and what brought on this change.

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Thanks for your words, me hearties! and don't forget to leave a link to your blog somewhere I can find it!