tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post8510937035903403054..comments2024-03-10T16:45:38.711+08:00Comments on WORD + STUFF: Show Me The Voice Blogfest (now with revised version)Trishahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comBlogger46125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-21598682662440923022011-03-23T00:53:29.767+08:002011-03-23T00:53:29.767+08:00I'm sorry it took me so long to get over here!...I'm sorry it took me so long to get over here! I really like the changes you made in the revision. It flows more smoothly. You have some great little clues placed throughout that is giving me a feel for your world and that's so nice. I'm curious to see where she's going and what brought on this change.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-46906248126871677402011-03-22T11:00:40.221+08:002011-03-22T11:00:40.221+08:00Great piece. I do like the idea of starting it on ...Great piece. I do like the idea of starting it on the plane. :)Margo Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13474612650116392270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-19919119443020345132011-03-22T08:13:35.262+08:002011-03-22T08:13:35.262+08:00Thank you everyone :) I am working on a revision a...Thank you everyone :) I am working on a revision at last. ;) It's going to be hard to pick and choose which advice to take, as it all made sense in its own way :DTrishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-65698207594550239712011-03-22T07:57:03.369+08:002011-03-22T07:57:03.369+08:00I like her name, and that last line. I also liked...I like her name, and that last line. I also liked how carefree the voice is.<br /><br />......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-24604589609827053932011-03-22T04:40:14.027+08:002011-03-22T04:40:14.027+08:00Great voice! I normally hate the sort of spoiler-y...Great voice! I normally hate the sort of spoiler-y writing that gives away what's coming, instead of letting it unfold, like "Little did he know . . "<br /><br />But so far, it's working for you, sort of a Lemony Snicket feel.Angelica R. Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09448717076699744259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-68678199679745890602011-03-22T01:12:10.240+08:002011-03-22T01:12:10.240+08:00I agree with the sort of omni, POV. It refelcts th...I agree with the sort of omni, POV. It refelcts the same type used in other novels, but I think you could get the point across using a closer view, even a Third close or as they said first. I am just not sure how the character feels about what is going on. I also think that showing us things were cahing...HOw? What does she feel or see that amkes her believe that?..Might be better. I think you have a very interesing start and the first sentece pulled me for sure : )Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-11620052301735082982011-03-22T00:36:33.971+08:002011-03-22T00:36:33.971+08:00Man, how many of us haven't wanted to do exact...Man, how many of us haven't wanted to do exactly that from time to time! Love the feel and am very curious where she ended up going.Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-60189866904082328112011-03-21T23:38:18.225+08:002011-03-21T23:38:18.225+08:00I love your descriptions and I like the oddness go...I love your descriptions and I like the oddness going on. I felt detached, however. I think I'd like this better from 1st person POV to get me into the immediacy of the story. This felt very narrative, more tell than show. Just a thought. Awesome writing, though!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-50945510206468573192011-03-21T23:17:37.164+08:002011-03-21T23:17:37.164+08:00My vote is against the date beginning. I love the ...My vote is against the date beginning. I love the emerging oddness. I firmly believe this needs to be written in-scene, not as a summary. I also wanted to know how much of what she's doing is a conscious decision. Is she saying to herself, "I think I'm going to get on a plane -- jeez, what's wrong with me?" or is she saying, "My legs are moving on their own and I'm in a daze and can't control them." <br /><br />If I were you, I would have her on the plane thinking to herself, "What am I doing here?" and then you can do a flashback to her emerging oddness as her way of explaining it to herself. Then a fat man can start talking to her, and you can reveal more back story and more about her character through the conversation.<br /><br />Congrats on winning Nano. I love this beginning and fervently hope you finish this book.Teralyn Rose Pilgrimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04586129403789427592noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-319243340084598972011-03-21T22:20:16.923+08:002011-03-21T22:20:16.923+08:00I loved the time and the date. I felt those really...I loved the time and the date. I felt those really help set the pace. Although I can see how the second sentences might be considered unnecessary, I liked it because it showed me immediately that this was not a planned departure.<br /><br />I began to wonder about the many possibilities that would keep her from ever walking the path again. Was it her choice? Was she abducted? Was there an accident? To her or to the house? Those questions aren't answered until the end of the 2nd paragraph, so I kept wondering as I read the description of Anjilian. They kept me engaged.<br /><br />The "she had been odd for days" amused me, because I tend to think of people as odd or not, and not that a few days ago she was odd but a month ago she was perfectly normal. The tattooed lips confused me, though, because I wasn't expecting a permanent oddity (which sounded like it had come about in the last few days) to be something that, I assume, she had done to herself. I expected the new-found oddities to be beyond her control (and maybe the lips are).<br /><br />The "Out story only really begins" was a bit strange. Why did we just read the last few paragraphs if they weren't a part of the story? It's almost like you said "I just wasted your time with all that, so now we are really starting here."<br /><br />And you didn't waste my time with that beginning. I really enjoyed it!Weshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10487342687480348794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-78726865507922251622011-03-21T22:08:54.776+08:002011-03-21T22:08:54.776+08:00I kind of love this. Personally, I especially like...I kind of love this. Personally, I especially like the last line - where she sits between the weirdo and the fat man. I like the chatty voice of an omniscient narrator. I don't like, myself, starting off with the day and time she leaves, never to return, because it made me think this was a crime story. And then I was like, Oh, okay, more Douglas Adams than Ann Rice - but I think you might want to eliminate that. Just a suggestion. :) Oh, and I also like the vivid description we get of your MC - it was nice being able to visualize her so well off the bat.Guineverehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10058786129073896210noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-52501874570430997122011-03-21T20:29:31.485+08:002011-03-21T20:29:31.485+08:00Hello!
Sorry coming in late here...I would drop th...Hello!<br />Sorry coming in late here...I would drop the bit where you say she's "odd" as it's better to show than tell (and since further down you actually show us how she's odd). <br /><br />Really thought this was quite interesting!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-31810993869950661772011-03-21T20:00:39.817+08:002011-03-21T20:00:39.817+08:00Thanks eeleenlee! :D
and Alison, wooo! I emailed ...Thanks eeleenlee! :D<br /><br />and Alison, wooo! I emailed you :DTrishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-74774247256825888652011-03-21T17:36:45.255+08:002011-03-21T17:36:45.255+08:00Intriguing character, deft style and tone, perhaps...Intriguing character, deft style and tone, perhaps it could start straightaway with the encounter with the fat man?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-66277357017648754582011-03-21T17:19:46.820+08:002011-03-21T17:19:46.820+08:00Speaking of blogfests and prizes, you won one of t...Speaking of blogfests and prizes, you won one of the prizes from mine! <a href="http://alisonstevens.blogspot.com/2011/03/ringing-in-spring-with-prizes.html" rel="nofollow">Stop by</a> to claim your prize.Alison Pearce Stevenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00955543150406880055noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-64333778936222051172011-03-21T12:25:40.772+08:002011-03-21T12:25:40.772+08:00Thanks Susan and Erica - I guess it's not too ...Thanks Susan and Erica - I guess it's not too much of an info dump/back story as it is, so that makes it more acceptable.<br /><br />I'll work on revisions tonight when I'm at home :DTrishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-24380353739600125742011-03-21T12:10:56.540+08:002011-03-21T12:10:56.540+08:00Oh, this is really interesting. Love the voice. I&...Oh, this is really interesting. Love the voice. I'm definitely intrigued. As for the plane part, I'm on the fence. I do like the way you have it now... You get a better idea with the backstory first. I'd read on! Great job ;o)erica m. chapmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14773306703153110737noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-50798912301872177682011-03-21T11:57:17.564+08:002011-03-21T11:57:17.564+08:00One final thing...I don't think you should sta...One final thing...I don't think you should start with the plane. <br />I just read through your other comments. But for me, I believe the backstory works so well the way it is because you include so much within it.Susan Oloierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07311938400999953443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-58319156553964211152011-03-21T11:54:47.846+08:002011-03-21T11:54:47.846+08:00Okay, I can usually find something to nitpick abou...Okay, I can usually find something to nitpick about (and there is one small thing). But first--wow! You conveyed so much character, voice, and intrigue in the first 250 words! I so want to keep reading this. <br />My one comment: I was distracted and pulled out of my experience when you wrote " our story really only begins on the plane". It took me right out of where you placed me. Although, I do like her on the plane with the weirdo and the fat man. Just please, please, please, find a way to keep me in the story because when I was reading yours, I forgot I was reading.Susan Oloierhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07311938400999953443noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-67912958869940575962011-03-21T11:46:29.495+08:002011-03-21T11:46:29.495+08:00I'm intrigued. I also thought you might be bet...I'm intrigued. I also thought you might be better off starting on the plane (if that's where the story really begins), but the beginning certainly caught my attention. I want to know why she had only been odd for a couple of days. <br /><br />PS thanks for catching the typo on mine. I was rushing to make the new edits before my daughter's birthday party. Darn early guests. ;)Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-4125947319558037302011-03-21T09:29:04.310+08:002011-03-21T09:29:04.310+08:00I must admit as I was revising this I did consider...I must admit as I was revising this I did consider the possibility of starting things off on the plane. So maybe I'll do that. I already have an idea of how I can work the description of Anjilian into a conversation with the weirdo and fat man. Honestly I really like the part after she meets those two, because they're both pretty ridiculous.Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-20964706918509839832011-03-21T09:29:03.426+08:002011-03-21T09:29:03.426+08:00Oh sorry for the double post, but I forgot the URL...Oh sorry for the double post, but I forgot the URL for my 250 words. It's http://www.veritasoccultus.blogspot.com<br /><br />Keep writing and good work!Lindsay N. Curriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16347055390748782853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-48617799269133596432011-03-21T09:28:03.489+08:002011-03-21T09:28:03.489+08:00Interesting premise and narration style. I would ...Interesting premise and narration style. I would definitely want to read more about Anjilian and why she is destined to this "restless" feeling. Also, I kind of like the time and date stamp. . .gives me a sense of building events.Lindsay N. Curriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16347055390748782853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-25302206843073757702011-03-21T09:09:37.427+08:002011-03-21T09:09:37.427+08:00I like this but I can't help but think that si...I like this but I can't help but think that since the story starts on the plane that you might want to begin the story there, immediately with the plane scene. Then you could weave in the details about Anjilian, her looks, her feeling restless, and the rest. Just an idea.<br /><br />I love your writing style!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-238481189278119116.post-24346353360098407132011-03-21T08:54:44.131+08:002011-03-21T08:54:44.131+08:00I definitely want to read more! You're buildin...I definitely want to read more! You're building a great MC so far; she's that girl that if was walking done the street, you would stop and look. She's the one you'd notice. I really like this. I don't love the last line, sadly. It seems too much like it fits in a different story. Maybe describe the weird guy differently, or the fat man. The two don't fit together well enough for me. Feel free to disregard anything I say, it's advice you can use or get rid of. Well, good job and keep writing!Natahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18126420191891089247noreply@blogger.com