Friday, 25 March 2011

Paint it Purple Blogfest

Woot! Yep, time for another Blogfest, hosted by Erin Kane Spock. This one will be fuuuun. Hehehehehehe. This is what's required:

The premise:
1) Post a short segment (a paragraph or two, really no more than 100 words) of your work-in-progess.

2) Paint it purple with enough metaphors, similes, and poetry to gag the most die hard beatnik. This version is sure to be much longer than you original work (hence the word limit for the first selection). Feel free to run wild, spitting in the face of good taste, genre norms, and Occam's razor. - Erin Kane Spock

So, without further ado, here's my less-than-100-word excerpt:

Jared turned the car off and twisted to face me. "Are you all right?"

I might've laughed, if I'd been able. "Not particularly."

"I'm sorry."

Anguish threatened to choke me, but I still managed to speak. Even if I couldn't look at him. "Don't be. It's not your fault. I'll be fine." A hesitation, and then, "I hope you are too. I…apologise. So, so much. I'm the biggest idiot. And disrespectful."


"Thank you for the ride," I blurted, and opened the door without looking back.

And here's my sickeningly extravagant rewrite!

Jared sighed, hung his head and turned the key in the ignition, stilling the car's motor. He was like a silent mysterious mountain beside me, looming. With a mysteriously blank expression on his face, he twisted to face me. His movements seemed to me as those of a man moving underwater. After a brief hesitation he murmured, "Are you...all right?"

I looked anywhere but at him. I feared what would happen if I met that stunning gaze. I might lose my wits entirely and throw myself on him. Again. And that would just be the icing on the cake. It would make things even worse than they were already. As for his question, well, I might've laughed, if I'd been able. As it was, all I could bring myself to say was, "Not particularly."

His gaze bored into me, making it hard for me to breathe. My anguish was a stormy black cloud overhead, threatening to rain on me. I didn't like rain--it ruined my hair. "I'm sorry," he said. There was no feeling in his voice, and I wanted to rage at him to feel
something. Maybe even to confess his undying love. Yeah, that wouldn't have been too bad.

That same stormy anguish that hung over my head now threatened to choke me. But still I managed to release some words. Even if they weren't the words I dearly longed to say. The words I wished he would hear without me having to speak them. Why the hell wasn't he a mind reader?! Even as I spoke, I couldn't look at him.

"Don't be. It's not your fault. I'll be fine." I hesitated, and the silence between us was louder than those stormy thunderclouds...errr, thundery stormclouds that hung over our heads. My clouded, confused head. I added, "I hope you are too. I cannot apologise enough. Please accept my apology, and know that I never meant to ruin things. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I'm the biggest idiot. And disrespectful."

I sighed a shuddery sigh and sagged forward, having drained myself of all energy.

He was still staring at me, his gaze like shackles holding me prisoner, even though I refused, for my own preservation, to meet it. I thought I sensed his longing as well. But then, maybe that was just wishful thinking. The wishful thinking of the biggest fool I'd ever known. Myself.

"Louise…" he barely whispered. I could almost imagine his hand reaching out to me--but it wasn't. He sat still in his seat. As still as that mysterious mountain.

I clenched my jaw and hardened my heart. I shouted in my head, shouted at the storm to leave me be.
Go away, storm! Leave me be!

Then I cried with a flourish of my hands, "Thank you for the ride!" and turned dramatically toward the car door, opening it without a backward glance.

P.S. I got interviewed HERE, thanks to Sari Webb! :D Well, thanks to the contest I won on her blog, really. But it was fun. :)


  1. Woo hoo! That extravagant re-write was very fancy. What a fun blog fest!

  2. Thanks guys :)

    I was cringing even as I did the rewrite. And I just can't stop laughing over it. :P

  3. LOL. "I sighed a shuddery sigh..." That line or the thundery stormclouds line was my favorite. :P

  4. LOL! That's awesome! Can you imagine?? It'd take forever to read one book. Great job laying on the purple!!

  5. Awesome. This gave me my first real smile of the day! I imagine it being read over the radio, with dramatic sound effects and music being played under the voice :)

  6. Thanks Michael, glad you enjoyed :P

    PK, that's what I was thinking as I wrote it out. imagine what my monstrous word count would be if the entire MS was like THIS!!! lol. it's bad enough as it is. ;)

    Jess, glad it could give you a smile. it just gives me a major cringe. :D

  7. Haha.. wow, that's quite the rewrite. I was envisioning soap-opera style camera work and overacted expressions. Great... er, bad... er... work? LOL.

  8. Oh so purpley and fabulous.
    I loved the original passage, it was great and implied everything that your purple-prose overstated. Well done!

  9. Well, that was certainly something. Hehe, hilarious rewrite! :)

  10. Great job!! But I was actually thinking the first needed a little more!! It needs some showing instead of telling...and some of those internal thoughts were great in the rewrite!! :) It's definitely over the top...but I think you could take some inspiration from it!!!

  11. I love the verbosity, and the flowery appeal. Oh my, it would take forever to write this out in script. Great read.

  12. The line about stormy rain/cloud/anguish got me cringing each time, lol...hilarious!

    Mine is up now. Sorry about earlier.

  13. That was the best so far...and I think the longest. 'Words' is used like fifty times...'mysterious' just as much. Great entry.

  14. This is such a fun blogfest. Your prose was indeed purple! You may have quadrupled your word count.

  15. Stephanie - Yeah, the first part isn't really edited yet - and definitely not line edited. haha. I have enough problems getting my plot in a straight line (well, so to speak...plots are never straight lines right? :P) lately, so I'm focusing on that instead of nitpicky stuff.

    Thanks everyone else who stopped by - I did have fun, in a cringing sort of way, doing this. :D

  16. Yes!!! Mysterious Mountains. It sounds like a deserted amusement park.

    I think I love the idea of Jared being a deserted amusement park. Sort of puts that John Mayer song into a whole new light. That's kind of purple, isn't it?

    Good job.

  17. ooooh NICE!!! Love the re-write! Very purple, but very smooth, too.


  18. Wow! You did an awesome job! Loved the storm metaphor throughout...great writing.

  19. That was awesome, not as awesome as a mysterious mountain, but pretty great nonetheless. :)
    It's amazing that this is the type of detail that creative writing teacher ingrain in students only for them to have to unlearn it later. I bet this book would have been 300k long if written that way throughout.
    Great entry. Thanks for participating!

  20. "I think I love the idea of Jared being a deserted amusement park."

    After reading the last few comments, I'm thinking "mysterious mountain" has GOT to become some kind of metaphor I refer to somewhere in the novel. :P


Thanks for your words, me hearties! and don't forget to leave a link to your blog somewhere I can find it!