Woot! Yep, time for another Blogfest, hosted by Erin Kane Spock. This one will be fuuuun. Hehehehehehe. This is what's required:
1) Post a short segment (a paragraph or two, really no more than 100 words) of your work-in-progess.
2) Paint it purple with enough metaphors, similes, and poetry to gag the most die hard beatnik. This version is sure to be much longer than you original work (hence the word limit for the first selection). Feel free to run wild, spitting in the face of good taste, genre norms, and Occam's razor. - Erin Kane Spock
So, without further ado, here's my less-than-100-word excerpt:
Jared turned the car off and twisted to face me. "Are you all right?"
I might've laughed, if I'd been able. "Not particularly."
Anguish threatened to choke me, but I still managed to speak. Even if I couldn't look at him. "Don't be. It's not your fault. I'll be fine." A hesitation, and then, "I hope you are too. I…apologise. So, so much. I'm the biggest idiot. And disrespectful."
"Thank you for the ride," I blurted, and opened the door without looking back.
And here's my sickeningly extravagant rewrite!
Jared sighed, hung his head and turned the key in the ignition, stilling the car's motor. He was like a silent mysterious mountain beside me, looming. With a mysteriously blank expression on his face, he twisted to face me. His movements seemed to me as those of a man moving underwater. After a brief hesitation he murmured, "Are you...all right?"
I looked anywhere but at him. I feared what would happen if I met that stunning gaze. I might lose my wits entirely and throw myself on him. Again. And that would just be the icing on the cake. It would make things even worse than they were already. As for his question, well, I might've laughed, if I'd been able. As it was, all I could bring myself to say was, "Not particularly."
His gaze bored into me, making it hard for me to breathe. My anguish was a stormy black cloud overhead, threatening to rain on me. I didn't like rain--it ruined my hair. "I'm sorry," he said. There was no feeling in his voice, and I wanted to rage at him to feel something. Maybe even to confess his undying love. Yeah, that wouldn't have been too bad.
That same stormy anguish that hung over my head now threatened to choke me. But still I managed to release some words. Even if they weren't the words I dearly longed to say. The words I wished he would hear without me having to speak them. Why the hell wasn't he a mind reader?! Even as I spoke, I couldn't look at him.
"Don't be. It's not your fault. I'll be fine." I hesitated, and the silence between us was louder than those stormy thunderclouds...errr, thundery stormclouds that hung over our heads. My clouded, confused head. I added, "I hope you are too. I cannot apologise enough. Please accept my apology, and know that I never meant to ruin things. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I'm the biggest idiot. And disrespectful."
I sighed a shuddery sigh and sagged forward, having drained myself of all energy.
He was still staring at me, his gaze like shackles holding me prisoner, even though I refused, for my own preservation, to meet it. I thought I sensed his longing as well. But then, maybe that was just wishful thinking. The wishful thinking of the biggest fool I'd ever known. Myself.
"Louise…" he barely whispered. I could almost imagine his hand reaching out to me--but it wasn't. He sat still in his seat. As still as that mysterious mountain.
I clenched my jaw and hardened my heart. I shouted in my head, shouted at the storm to leave me be. Go away, storm! Leave me be!
Then I cried with a flourish of my hands, "Thank you for the ride!" and turned dramatically toward the car door, opening it without a backward glance.
P.S. I got interviewed HERE, thanks to Sari Webb! :D Well, thanks to the contest I won on her blog, really. But it was fun. :)