Tuesday 8 February 2011

It Was a Dark and Stormy...Blogfest Contest!



Indeed, I'm just in time to participate in this Blogfest, hosted by Brenda Drake. Thanks to Shayda for alerting me to it with her own entry! :D

Anyway, here's my details:

Name: Patricia Farnan
Title: SQUEAKY MCLEAN AND MOUSE TAILS
Genre: MG/humour

Long, long ago in a city called Mouseratten, a hulking figure made for a rather scary sight.

Yes, I decided to go with a novel I'm not really working on that vigorously right now, because I'm happier with its opening line than I am with most of my other novels' opening lines. Haha. Though I must admit that I may be discarding my entire first chapter of this novel in future. Anyway...

There you go! Easy blogfest, simple rules, lots of fun. Now I'm off to read other people's first lines. :)

Okay guys, here is my current revision:

Long, long ago in the city of Mouseratten, the hulking figure was scaring the fur off any who saw him.

Tell me what you think!
Posted by at 13:39
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22 comments:

  1. Sharon K. Mayhew8 February 2011 at 14:21

    I like the premise of your story...Your sentence is a bit unclear to me. I don't know what the hulking figure did to make it a scary night.

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  2. Sheery8 February 2011 at 15:05

    I like your first line, Trisha. It makes me curious to read more of your story.

    Thanks for posting this, by the way. I entered as a result.

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  3. SM Johnston8 February 2011 at 18:04

    I agree with Sharon. It feels like a bit of a mismatch of the two halves of the sentence. The first part has a fairytale feel, then it moves onto a more specific event. I would try making it two separate sentences with more context.

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  4. Trisha8 February 2011 at 18:12

    Thanks guys, I appreciate your feedback :D

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  5. Anonymous8 February 2011 at 21:41

    Yes, there's a lot going on in this sentence...I like the mood and that you refer to the time and place, but I'm wondering why we're going back in time to a hulking figure. ;)

    I am curious to know what happens next!

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  6. Joanne8 February 2011 at 22:12

    I like that city name, it evokes images of Manhattan, customized to your story :)

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  7. Teralyn Rose Pilgrim8 February 2011 at 22:25

    Hello! FYI, the contest says it has to be a line from a finished work, so you might get disqualified if you use a sentence for the book you aren't going to get edited. I think Weronika is going to pick a sentence that makes her interested in the book itself. It would be a real shame if you didn't win just because of that.

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  8. Kelly Bryson8 February 2011 at 23:00

    I love Mouseratten, but the second half of the sentence doesn't work for me. Mouseratten is so good because it tells you so much- a Manhattan run by mice and rats- the whole concept is in there, but then there's no followup in the second half.

    Hulking figure and scary scary sight are very vague. Hope that helps!

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  9. Anonymous8 February 2011 at 23:13

    I really like the word "Mouseratten".

    I'm thrown off by the phrase "made for". It muddles the meaning of the rest of the sentence. I also think you could be more descriptive about what specifically is "scary".

    Best wishes,
    Christi Corbett

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  10. Shelley Watters9 February 2011 at 00:50

    Thanks for dropping by my blog! The beginning kinda reminded me of star wars - long long ago in a galaxy far far away. Not sure if you indtended it that way :)

    I agree with the previous posters. But I do like where you're going with this!

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  11. Kerri Cuev9 February 2011 at 00:50

    I like Mouseratten also, but not sure if you should start with long long ago.

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  12. Tanya Reimer9 February 2011 at 01:37

    I see my daughter going nuts for this book already. In mind, the dreary figure reads as the next sentense.

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  13. Shannon O'Donnell9 February 2011 at 03:12

    I love the Mouseratten idea - so fun! I'd say that overall, Kelly Bryson's comment nails it. :-)

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  14. Loralie Hall9 February 2011 at 05:51

    There's a lot of menace here, but I was confused about the hulking figure reference. If it refers to a specific event, it should be 'the hulking figure'. If hulking figures in genral made the night scary, it may not be the best hook.

    My guess is it's the first, and that with a very tiny tweak you could make this even more compelling

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  15. Dustin9 February 2011 at 08:01

    Nice voice. I agree with the second phrase of the sentence lacking clarity and you might get a few words of you reworked the first part to read:

    Long, long ago in the city of Mouseratten...

    Giving it a name omits the need to tell us it's named Mouseratten.

    Nice name and fun start. Keep on keeping on!

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  16. Trisha9 February 2011 at 08:12

    Teralyn, yeah this novel is finished and I have edited it a bit, it's just it is not my main focus right now. Well I guess it's one of two main focuses, but the lesser of the two. :D I hope it still qualifies! lol

    anyway...thanks everyone for your feedback, I will get started on a revision. hehe

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  17. Anonymous9 February 2011 at 09:03

    The second is much better : ) Good luck

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  18. erica m. chapman9 February 2011 at 13:32

    I like the first line better too ;o) I love it. I love the city name!

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  19. Trisha9 February 2011 at 13:58

    Erica, did you mean the original version, or the revised version? Hehe

    Thanks for stopping by :)

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  20. Shannon Duffy9 February 2011 at 23:41

    This sounds cool to me. I also love the name of the city you chose. "The hulking figure was scaring the fur off any who saw him." Really good MG. My son would love this. Good luck!

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  21. Miranda Hardy10 February 2011 at 04:34

    I like the 2nd opening line. (The scaring the fur reference was great!) Good luck!

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  22. Trisha10 February 2011 at 08:35

    Thanks guys! :D

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your words, me hearties! and don't forget to leave a link to your blog somewhere I can find it!

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