It's that time of the month again when we participants in the WEP get together and share our thoughts on the monthly theme, set by Denise Covey. This month's theme is as follows:
TIME to sign up for the May challenge - FAILURE...or is it?
Write your stories, poems or get your artwork or photos ready!
You can link up immediately or with your direct link afer you post on your blog.
Edit your work. Word limit of 1,000 words for stories, poems or photo essays.
Publish on your blog between May 21 - 24. Leave a message at WEP when you do.
For my post this month I am sharing a little excerpt from DAPHNE II, which I have just edited - though I haven't edited the rest of the story in a fair while now. Feel free to give me any feedback. :) I'm happy to receive critique of the harshest order as long as you aren't unconstructively mean about it.
I cross Hackett Drive on foot and pick out a shady patch of grass under a Moreton Bay fig tree. I settle on the grass facing the river, and manage a smile, even as my nose wrinkles.
While Matilda Bay is a beautiful spot, currently it smells a bit like dead jellyfish.
I turn my thoughts to all the good things I can identify about this moment: the gentle breeze washing over me, the rustle of wind through leaves, the acceptable distance between me and the nearest traffic.
Slowly I draw breath, imagining my lungs expanding and my ribcage stretching around them. The stress is a fist in my sternum but I'm determined to rid myself of it. I try to focus on the good things--the small miracles that grace my reality. I'm fortunate to be here, to be able to attend such a beautiful campus. I'm definitely privileged. But right now those good things are being quickly overwhelmed by other aspects of my existence that I usually refuse to think about at all.
I'm in completely over my head here.
I need to think about the stresses, because to deny them is to delay the inevitable devastating freak-out. So I breathe slow and steady, close my eyes, and let little cracks begin to form in my defences. Reality seeps in, though I'm controlling the amount of flow, and suddenly I'm letting myself consider what it is that truly terrifies me.
What the hell would I do if I failed? What if I bombed all my assignments and screwed up all my exams and failed this entire semester? What would all those snobby friends of my mother's have to say then?
And what will I do with my Arts degree? I didn't care about that question at all until people started hassling me about it, and not just my mother's snobby socialite acquaintances either. My own friends do it, too. Even Daniel never got it.
Nathan does, I realise in surprise. He's in the boat with me. He's doing a useless degree just like I am. But I can't see him failing at anything. Whatever his long-term plans, he strikes me as the ambitious type. He's independent and strong-minded. I could totally imagine him going places, even if he doesn't go the traditional route.
In short, when I look at that guy I see one hell of a bright future. I just wish I could see the same thing for myself.
(411 words - according to wordcounter.net)
I'm not sure why she worries about failing? Lack of self confidence? or a past experience? It's as if the friend which she admires because of his ambitious drive is the person who might best understand her. Interesting excerpt, Trish!
ReplyDeleteHer friend is interesting as well because he has his own reasons for being so driven and organised. :)
DeleteThanks for the comment.
Hi Trish. I like the scene. You have written lovely details that position a reader right there with you. I could imagine it, which means you've done well. I like the laid-back setting, but with the girl's angst superimposed. Keeps it edgy.
ReplyDeleteI like how you've varied sentence length and I love one line paragraphs too. I could find a couple of places where I think you could say something better - 'I settle on the grass facing the river, and manage a smile, even as my nose wrinkles.' I'd suggest - 'I settle on the grass facing the river and my nose wrinkles in a smile.'
The 'and' and 'even' are slow-down words to me. I'm always weeding them out! In paragraph 6, 'Reality seeps in.' could be a sentence and slightly change the next two thoughts to make it flow.
I hope you don't mind the suggestions. I wouldn't have offered it except you asked.
Glad you posted for WEP. Maybe we can hear more of this boy and girl in June's ROMANCE prompt.
(I hope Perth is having the gorgeous weather we are in Brisbane!)
Denise
I do need to clear that bit up - it was a bit different before my revision, and probably clearer, though less descriptive - because she's wrinkling her nose 'cause of the dead jellyfish. haha.
DeleteI don't mind at all - thanks for taking the time to critique. :)
I feel that it's been a while since I posted for WEP, so I was glad to get to it this time. And indeed there is a romance element in this story, so maybe I can find an excerpt for next month's post.
I feel bad that she feels so self-conscious. Well done in conveying that insecurity. Sounds like it will all end okay, though.
ReplyDeleteThanks :) She goes through a lot (I'm a mean author) but does have her happy moments.
DeleteIt seems to me that she is worried about the thought of failing and what other people think of her more than what she actually wants to do with her life.
ReplyDeleteI think you may have a word missing here, 'He's in the boat with me.' perhaps it should be 'in the same boat as me.' Perhaps she can take some of his confidence and use it to grow some of her own self esteem.
She doesn't really know what she wants to do. But yes, she's very worried about failing, because the rest of her life is a shambles.
DeleteThanks for the comment. :)
We all know that feeling of insecurity.
ReplyDeleteLike the variances in sentence length. That's something I'm learning to do better.
I'm not the best critiquer, but my only thought is it's a lot of internal dialogue in one place.
Yes, I do tend to have a lot of internal dialogue in my writing. It's something I need to work on as well.
DeleteThanks for the comment. :)
I love the emotional tug of war going on inside her. Like the waves, pushing and pulling good and bad and great. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Donna. :)
DeleteI liked the descriptive details - both the setting and the internal battles, the stress that is like a fist, easy to relate to her problem.
ReplyDelete"While Matilda Bay is a beautiful spot, currently it smells a bit like dead jellyfish." - the smile coupled with the wrinkling of nose. An apt metaphor.
Enjoyed the story and hope her friend Nathan can help her sort her feelings/priorities.
He helps ... and hinders ... and helps. :D
DeleteThanks for your comment. I appreciate it. :)
Why do we tend to compare ourselves to another? The fear of it is bigger than failure itself
ReplyDeleteIt's something a lot of us have done, but shouldn't ever do!
DeleteIt was a good portrayal of character and I liked the contrast between the idyllic setting and inner turmoil (dead jellyfish notwithstanding!) It did a good job drawing me in.
ReplyDeleteThe dead jellyfish is definitely a distinctive smell from some places around where I live, at certain times of year. ;)
DeleteThanks, Nick.
I have a true sense of the character. I think there needs to be a little insertion in the middle. Maybe she's looking at her notes (perhaps copious or sloppy) or a college pamphlet, something stressful to connect to the emotions, because we only have a sense of the setting and other things in the beginning. It could only be a sentence or two.
ReplyDeleteGreat suggestion, Medeia.
DeleteI do have other bits where she starts out studying and is hyper organised, and over the months she gets more out of control with her note-taking and so on. :)
"While Matilda Bay is a beautiful spot, currently it smells a bit like dead jellyfish." I'd delete the currently. I think it makes the sentence more powerful without it.
ReplyDeleteI'd also delete, "I can identify about this moment"...we're in the character's head, and I think explaining what she's doing is less powerful than just doing. And it gets rid of the idea echo in the next paragraph.
I'd almost delete this (But right now those good things are being quickly overwhelmed by other aspects of my existence that I usually refuse to think about at all.)
and just add "But it doesn't matter"...then when you move onto being in over her head is more powerful. Let the reader have the itty bitty mystery....she's focusing on the good, then boom change of direction.
I'd cut this too: I need to think about the stresses, because to deny them is to delay the inevitable devastating freak-out. So I breathe slow and steady, close my eyes, and let little cracks begin to form in my defences. Reality seeps in, though I'm controlling the amount of flow, and suddenly I'm letting myself consider what it is that truly terrifies me.
Your character has a strong enough voice and you can hear all the doubt and worry without explaining to the reader.
*Those are just my thoughts...I've never hit the best seller list, so take that into consideration- if I knew everything, I'd be rich! I think you've nailed the character's voice. I can relate to her and feel her angst. The stuff I'd chop isn't bad, so leave if it you are attached and it won't hurt it. I just think it's more emotional without stopping to analyze.
Oh, and being an incurable romantic, I am totally in the boat for a love connection with Nathan. ;)
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique in depth. I really appreciate your input. :)
DeleteI totally agree there are ways to polish this writing. I tend to have to do a fair bit of cutting when it comes to revisions.
I think you have good polish. I like how it reads and I can connect with the characters. I think that's why I think less would work. You have done an excellent job revealing who she is by her actions and her view of her environment. Her saying the place is beautiful, but stinks? That speaks volumes. Just like her own life, all seems perfect, but what can't be seen smells. Love that!
Delete(And being a wordy girl myself, I have to do a lot of deleting and probably still keep too much!)
Yes, "wordy" is a good word for me as well. I always end up with very bloated rough drafts that need to be hewn in a serious way. :)
Delete