Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Write ... Edit ... Publish (edited with my Holiday "story")


Today we kick off the very first Write ... Edit ... Publish monthly bloghop, and my post appeared too early. So early, in fact, that I hadn't even written it yet! I've edited now and here is my post for the bloghop. For the record, I usually hate to schedule stuff on the off chance something like this will happen, but this month I had sooo much on that I thought it was the only way of remembering to post everything. Clearly, though, it's better to forget stuff than schedule if you're not able to stay on top of even that. ;) Anyway, here is the info about this bloghop:

FLASH FICTION, POETRY, NON-FICTION, PLAYSCRIPTS, ARTWORKS, PHOTOGRAPHY...
  1. SUBMIT your name to the Inlinkz list below NOW if you wish to participate
  2. CREATE your entry according to the monthly theme - August = VACATION. More infohere
  3. EDIT your entry until it sparkles
  4. POST your entry on your blog/facebook on the dates shown - remember to state feedback preferences (full critique to general comments) and whether your work is copyrighted - ©
  5. READ other entries, giving feedback as requested
Open to all genres - Fiction works can be - Adult, YA, MG. All entries maximum 1,000 words or thereabouts.

For feedback I am happy to just get general thoughts or really nitpicky ones - whatever you want to give and whatever comes into your mind as you read. My work is not copyrighted except that it is to me, if you know what I mean? But yeah, it's not a published work elsewhere. And with that out of the way, here is my submission, which measures at 780 words (and, sadly, it's not yet sparkling. But I'll continue to work on editing it):

I arrive on Vatulele Island on a private jet, and am transferred immediately to a sleek car that takes off from outside the airport with a soft hum. As we drive along Vatulele’s east coast, I keep my face plastered to the window. The beach is all blinding white sand and bright azure sea, and while we’ve definitely got gorgeous beaches back home, this is something else.
It must be pretty amazing if it can distract me from this sleep deprivation. And from Jared, for that matter.
After only eight minutes on the road, we cut inland, moving into vibrant green jungle. I’m as mesmerised by what I’m seeing here as I was by the pristine water and searing sand. But still the only thing I want to see is Jared.
Seven more minutes pass before the car slows to a stop. I step out onto firmly packed earth and find myself in the middle of the jungle. Except when I turn around, there’s a white plaster archway and a narrow pathway beyond it, winding upward to places unknown. I feel like some princess on the outskirts of a fantasy world. I should probably pinch myself just to make sure I’m really here. But my hands are kind of full with a purse and camera.
My driver ushers me up the walkway, and I move steadily upward, shaded by surrounding jungle. I reach a turn in the path where going right gives a glimpse of a bright turquoise pool glittering in wait below. Turning left takes me up some stairs to a doorway leading into the most amazing-looking villa I’ve ever seen.
I try not to run as I head up the stairs and inside, where white walls are decorated by ancient artefacts and other beautiful artworks. As I turn right, I’m quickly blinded by sunlight streaming in from tall, rectangular windows. Everything glows. I stand there awestruck, wondering how little working class me can possibly fit into this world.
I step forward, hungry for more.
The living area is an artwork in and of itself. I just want to perch on one of those bright white couches and take a moment to drink in every little detail. Underfoot I see red and white flower petals spelling out a word of greeting: BULA. I break into a smile and find that it’s soon stuck in place. I can’t dislodge it, and it’s starting to hurt my face.
I dump my purse and camera on the coffee table in between two couches, then walk to the left where a door leads to a balcony overlooking the lagoon. My eyeballs are seared by the blinding blue of ocean and sky, the bedazzling white of the sand even at this distance, and the light refracting off the white building I’m standing in.
Then a voice sounds behind me, and my heart stutters in my chest.
“Hi,” is all he says. Turning to face him, I see him smiling at me, a pair of sunglasses hiding his eyes. I regard him in mounting awe and suddenly feel all shy, even though we’re not nearly strangers anymore. We’ve learned a lot about each other in a short amount of time, this man and I.
“Hey,” I breathe, moving toward him feeling unsure of myself. But my smile is still firmly in place.
It’s not going anywhere.
“You like the place?” he asks, gesturing around him.
I stare at him like he’s grown two heads. “Like it?”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“It’s beautiful. Enough to bring a tear to a girl’s eye…”
I trail off and shake my head, truly lost for words to describe it. Because I am a princess and this is my fairytale.
And he is my prince.
“It’s pretty cool, huh? I like the privacy. It’s…”
“Secluded,” I say with a smile. “Yeah, I can see the appeal for you.”
He moves toward me, gesturing towards a little table bearing a chiller full of ice and a glistening bottle. “You want champagne?”
“That…would be awesome. But there’s something else I need first.”
He pushes his sunglasses up and I see his eyes at last—they’re a colour far more searing than any ocean. They’re currently alive with a mixture of delight and passion. Something that’s missing, I realise, is nerves. I’m the only one who’s nervous here. But seeing him so comfortable helps to calm me down.
“If it’s in my power to do, I’ll do it,” he says.
“Oh, it’s in your power.”
He laughs. “Well, don’t keep me in suspense. What is it?”
“Kiss me.”
He pulls me closer, draws me into his arms. “Your wish is my command.”

23 comments:

  1. Greetings human Trisha,

    Ah yes! In my case, write, no edit and 'pawblish':)

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!

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  2. Hey Trisha. This is an awesome little fantasy on the fantasy isle. Loved the present tense, made it very fast moving. I enjoyed the descriptions of azure sea and blinding sand -- pretty much my favourite things, lol Mustn't forget the chiller of champagne. Nice tension when the two (who obviously have a history) met in this fabulous villa in the jungle. I think readers will want more of these two!

    Thank you for posting for the inaugural WEP bloghop.

    Denise

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  3. Hi, Trisha! Nice job here. I like the way you built tension before the kiss.

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  4. A romantic getaway with a Prince - that is what every girl dreams of at some moment in time. A nice piece of tension leading up to their meeting and whether it would all go smoothly which it certainly seems as though it will.

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  5. Very nice descriptive tale that you set sail

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  6. Sounds idyllic... and you painted a beautiful picture... a real visual treat!
    My impression is that they've known each other for a while, but this is the first face to face meeting between the two? Maybe they met on the internet?
    He sure knows how to do it in style...
    Writer In Transit

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  7. Ooooo... I love the mood created here... I want that to be my reality! Nice build. Really fun! :-)

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  8. That's a vacation I want to go on!

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  9. Greetings human Trisha,

    And yay, I return to find your actual pawblished pawsting, um published posting. First of all, blog hops! Argghhhhh!!!!. Sorry about that. Feel better now...

    Where was I? Oh yeah. Great post! Thanks for sharing! Kidding. Such a vivid tale you paint with your words that embrace the ambience of the setting. Welcome to your fantasy island.

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!

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  10. don't mind gary...hahahah

    love a good commanding at the end. yes!

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  11. Nice. :)

    I'm going to do a post soon about making reminder blog posts. Maybe it'll help.

    Thanks for visiting my blog.

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  12. Good description, well-written. I'm not sure where this scene occurs in your story, but I'm assuming this is not the opening scene. There was one sentence that stopped me and I had to reread to understand: I break into a smile and find that it’s soon stuck in place. I can’t dislodge it, and it’s starting to hurt my face. The wording doesn't give the impression that the smile is hard to suppress, but rather that it's something that will require physical intervention. Also, the word "dump" when you mean you are placing your purse on the table probably doesn't fit the feeling and description of this scene. It kind of jolts you out of the picture. Picky things, I know, but you are painting a particular picture here.

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  13. A dream holiday. The descriptions are enticing. Particularly liked the use of the present tense, places the reader squarely into the story.

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  14. Oh, what a nice vacation! I liked the interaction between the two best. I think maybe the awe was just a little too much (too fast) for me because it was thing after thing after thing, though I think you could tone it back enough just by an adverb check, or maybe mix in another emotion with the awe and excitement to give us a breather in the middle? (you mention the nerves later--maybe disbelief she's really there to mix up the pace a little as she arrives?)

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  15. Wow- what a fantasy. Seems too good to be true. Maybe I'm just a sicko but my mind goes to a dark place with it and wonders what the seclusion is really all about...

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  16. It really feels like a snippet of a bigger romance fantasy or story that leaves me curious to know more about both characters. I found the second paragraph a little distracting and feel that Jarod is introduced again in the third paragraph, I think it would read better if both paragraphs were made into one. I agree with Beverley about the dark edge, I think the painful smile and seared eyes also has something to do with that, but I am picturing myself walking through the forest to get to that beach :)

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  17. Hi Trisha
    Loving it. I think I'd like to go to that place.
    Nancy

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  18. Hi everyone - thanks for your comments. I've had some really great feedback I can work with in revisions. :)

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  19. hi,trish...

    oh, if i could only swim in that sparkling azure water.... broken wrist and all!

    beautiful descriptions and nice tension...

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  20. I agree with Scheherazade on the searing of the eyes and smile needing surgery to fix! Otherwise this was SO much fun! I loved being in the jungle there with you/her. Loved that it had a good ending, yes, I'm a sucker for a good ending. You could do a lot with this as a fleshed out story. Thanks for sharing! And like Tammy said, don't mind Gary, he is always funny and interesting, the kind you want to have comment on your blog!

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  21. Loved the journey and description and the romance, too, Trisha.

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Thanks for your words, me hearties! and don't forget to leave a link to your blog somewhere I can find it!